Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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