Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
