so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
