he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize