I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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