i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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