That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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