Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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