Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
