It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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