I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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