Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
