I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
