So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
