Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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