I looked at my own cervix.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
