HIV tests are more positive than that guy
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
