we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
is it fun? or sober?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
