Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
