lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
