Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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