I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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