god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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