quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
