we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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