seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
