I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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