And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm just crazy horny about you
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
