Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
