no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
