Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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