I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
