Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You dont lie about slip and slides
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
