my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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