Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
