How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
