Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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