he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
