I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
