Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
