If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
