I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
