My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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