Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
