First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
