My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
