First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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