Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
