I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize