nutella sex= disaster
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Drunk is not a location!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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