I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize