woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
