NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
