I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize