Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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