i barfeds in our rink
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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