I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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