How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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