Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
