My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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