got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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