Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I haven't been this sober since birth.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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