Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
