dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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