Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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