My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just forgot I was standing up.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
