I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Randomize
