My room smells like vodka and shame
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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